To write or not to write

write books computer notebook

On one hand it seems like an ongoing almost love-hate relationship with this blog right here. On the other hand, it also seems like it is always here, at least for me. To hold my thoughts when I need them to and to wait for me to be ready to write again when I need that.

Honestly, this might also be because I’m so unsure of how I should write here and about what. I have a feeling I have a lot to say, writing really helps me digest many thoughts and feelings, but on the other hand, honestly, I also feel afraid to share my deep feelings and thoughts that go through my mind and to dump them here on internet. But then again, I’m in constant battle with myself thinking that I started this blog with 2 reasons: to help me and to help others. I always thought, if I can with my own experiences help at least one person to feel better, to not feel alone, then my job here is done.

If I want to do that, then I must be brave and vulnerable and honest and open.

In every piece that is here on this blog, I’ve been nothing but honest, but if we search for a reason why I haven’t written as much as I would like to and why there are really big breaks between some pieces… well it’s definitely because of many things: fear, shame, insecurities and other things, but overall, I felt if I could not be honest, then I rather didn’t write anything.

I’ve met with a dear friend of mine yesterday and she reminded me to just start. To just write and see where it takes me. Too often I get too organized, planning every detail, wanting to have an end result before even starting… therefore many times I don’t even start. This is something I’m working on, and this words right here are the consequence of that. I will not make any big unachievable goals how often I should publish, but I will take this as my once per month therapy, where I put my thoughts on the paper and put it out there also for you.

Don’t wait for the perfect time! Just start and see where the road will take you.

While right now I sit outside on our terrace and I listen to birds singing, I can’t stop thinking, how interesting it is, that sometimes I still go and read my old posts here, and they are (at least to me) still so very relevant. And if they are still so relevant even after 5 years (OMG it’s already 5 years) then I guess this blog can be something good and worth keeping, upgrading.

It’s so funny how 5 years ahead seem so far away, and we don’t know what will happen, seems sometimes like we are not even moving, but when you look 5 years back you actually see how much has happened, how much has changed, how much have we changed, developed, grown.

Really crazy. 5 years ago, I injured my knee and started this journey and today we have our own house, 3 kids, a lot of love and I am still on a journey. A journey of life. And what can be more beautiful than this? Honestly? Can’t wait to see what all is in store for me for next five years.

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