Today I was reading my old diaries. Of course, because I’m just in the middle of writing my master thesis, so going down the memory lane sounded like such a better idea. And actually, it was not that bad of a choice as it became quite an eye-opening moment.
I was writing diary on and off in my primary school and in high school and somewhere in the second part of high school year I guess I stopped.
What shocked me was how different things were for me back then. How different I was, how different I am now.
I know writing was and is something that gives me a better perspective, that helps me grow, think, evolve, let go… that is also why I have this blog, but also as you see lately I haven’t been really active here. Also, lately I haven’t been really happy.
I have the best boyfriend, we are building a house, I have job that I love, friends, family… but it always seems like something is missing, like I cannot stop, relax, enjoy, like I’m somehow stuck and I have to push further, get more of the things, experiences, events if I want to be happy. I meditate, do sports, try to sleep enough… still not my best self. Like something is missing and I don’t know what it is and how to get it.
Reading those stories in my diary made me realize that I lost myself, totally. That I’m a child of today’s world: going after everything I can to find happiness. But will I find it there? NO! Not unless I find myself back. If I start taking care of myself again, if I start being nice to myself again. This literally just hit me!
Honestly, the biggest shock happened when I looked myself in a mirror and as cliché as it sounds, I did not recognize myself! Where the f*** did I let myself go? What the f*** happened?
I’ve done a lot of great things, don’t get me wrong, but one thing I totally failed in: loving and taking care of myself!
I feel a bit lost right now I must admit, I started writing this post just to clear my head a little, to go through some stuff… and it somehow is opening so many things, which were almost lost, unopened for a long time. It became my mantra to take care of everyone and everything, except myself and I’m not really sure why.
But what really bothers me is, what now? What should I do, where do I start? How do I even do this?
One thing is clear, I must slow down and learn again how to take care of myself and how to love myself again. Stop pushing forward for no one’s sake and start enjoying the moments with my closest ones, enjoying the journey.
I think I was so focused on the goal of life (to make everything the best as I can on all fields and in a way everyone expects) that I forgot I also have to live in the meantime.
I feel a bit relieved now, also worried, but relieved that something happened and moved, and I really, really hope I won’t’ throw this away for the next few decades and regret it then again.
What happened? I don’t know, but probably life happened, and it’s good, it means I can start again. How? Not sure at all, but what I have to promise to myself is: at least I have to try! If you never try, you’ll never know.